im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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