Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
