some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
what day is it and did you see me today?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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