We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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