Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
