while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
