Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
