The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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