You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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