plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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