a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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