Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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