woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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