i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize