Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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