dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
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Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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