We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
