Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
