i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.