Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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