who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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