Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
