Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
