I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
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Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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