so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
