I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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