I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
