Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
