Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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