The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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