I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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