I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
