i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
