as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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