you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
