this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How does it feel to date your dad?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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