hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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