At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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