The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
