I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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