Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
