cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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