your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
