I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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