I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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