Don't make out with my wife yet
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
