Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
