Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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