after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
