I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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