When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
