Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
