I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
