Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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