Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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