yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
